3rd Year

Surfacing

There are numerous quotes about life – its meaning, how it should be lived, how it is. You read the ones you come across and each one of them makes sense to you, fits in with some incident that’s happened over the course of yours.

If you’ve ended up going through the trouble of googling quotes related to anything, you’ve reached a point where you need some perspective about that matter. To help you figure something out and put it in its place, so that you can categorise it, deal with it, forget about it, make yourself feel better about it, and move on.

For the last two months I think I’ve been doing that quite a lot. The stress of completing and writing my dissertation well, dealing with my plans for after graduation, realising that I only have about two months of a cushy University left, figuring out my first serious relationship, handling the loss of a few friendships – a lot of new situations arose that left me feeling helpless and submerged me in anxiety.

It’s hard when you know you’re drowning, and when you’re trying really hard to resurface, by trying to gain perspective and some semblance of control – but it just seems out of your hands for the moment. That you have to wait for the tide to wash over to break through. You know you will, but you just have to wait it through till its over.

Its raised tons of issues such as self-doubt, overthinking, feelings of failure and that I’m not good enough. A cycle of negativity fed upon by ruminating thoughts. But at this toughest time of my very short life – this is precisely when you have to keep calm and try to put everything into order and perspective, I’ve learnt. Make sure that you destress and talk to the people you trust and who know you. Bottling the myriad of emotions doesn’t work.

It’s been a difficult past few weeks, but I’m at the point where I feel like I’m gaining control of it all again. That the worst is almost over, and I can focus on putting myself back together, to the person I am. The whole thing turned me into someone I’m not – someone I didn’t recognise – a person who overthought everything, assumed the worst, and lost hope in herself. A person I never, ever want to go back to again.

One of my goals for 3rd Year was being more positive and focusing on the present – which I successfully did in first semester. Gaining that much needed perspective after coming out of it all, I’m going to make sure to keep those two things as the most important ways to live by.

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